A friend recently said to me, "You've always known." She was referring to my surprise that I am living the kind of life that I want, writing all day long and still working as an actor when I can. In many ways she was right, I have known what I wanted to be doing, but seeing it clearly and making it happen, are another matter entirely. While part of me, has known/wished/desired to evolve into what I am doing now, pretty much a full time writer, another part of me never believed it. We talked a bit about the fact that sometimes my goals for myself, my aspirations wouldn't come true until years later, but they would and could come true.

It was an interesting exchange to me because although intended to be praise, it had a ring of "see it all worked out", a phrase eerily reminiscent of one that I grew up with "don't worry it will all work out." I never found this comforting. I understand that it is intended to be so, but I find much more comfort in action. I'd like to change the phrase to, "don't worry, as long as you work your ass off and do your absolute best, and approach your goals as a marathon and not a sprint, it will probably all work out, in some pleasing fashion or another." I know, you can't fit that on a bumper sticker but still.

Don't get me wrong, I am a fan of positive thinking, and visualization, and I believe in Feng Shui, but most importantly I believe in my responsibility to meet the Universe halfway. I gotta do my part. There are so many things beyond our control, and in order for that not to make me crazy I do my best to control the one thing I can...my effort. And when things do work out, I write the book that 5 years ago was just a sentence in my head, I meet like minded colleagues who are generous and supportive, I find representation that supports me as a writer-actor hyphenate...I am so pleasantly, joyfully surprised. When all those hours, days, weeks, months, years, of angsting and working my butt off turn into rewards, I am bowled over. And grateful. And yes, surprised.

And just when I think I've got it all figured out, another surprise comes my way. Next week, I'll be more actor than writer, shooting a commercial...and no doubt being surprised at how good it feels to be back on set again.

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